All You Need Is Love, A Letter To My Son

To my dear, sweet boy,

While I type this, your sweet little feet are most likely dangling from a chair in your Kindergarten class, as you are too short to reach the floor yet. You're wearing your new shoes that we bought you last night. They have skeleton bones on them and they glow in the dark. You love the skeletal system and have since you were about two and a half. They're cool shoes and you like them, but you don't love them. Mommy knows you don't love them and that is why I want to tell you I'm sorry.

You are the most beautiful little soul I've ever met. You do not fit a single mold other than your own and I've known this about you since you were very tiny. You think differently, respond differently and love differently than any other child your age. You are genuinely yourself. Its been a learning process for me as your mom, and I could not be more thankful! You constantly teach me to think outside the box and grow. Whether its how you play, learn, or think, its always in your very own, confident manner. You inspire me. This is why I want to say, I'm sorry.

A few months ago we went shoe shopping together. The store we usually shop at mixes the children's shoes together. There are super hero shoes, lavender kitten shoes, blue striped shoes, and pink sparkle shoes all intertwined. Your brother went straight for super hero shoes, begging to wear them. You found a pair that was different and you begged to buy them. They didn't come in your size and I felt relieved, because they were girl shoes. Mommy is so so sorry. We left with a nice pair that day and you liked them, but you didn't love them. I knew you didn't love them and that is why I'm telling you, I am sorry.

We went back to the same store last night and you needed a bigger size shoe. When you saw the same pair from last time in your size, you shrieked as you pulled them off the shelf. Your excitement overcame you and you began kicking off the pair of shoes you had on. Your face lit up as you tried the shoes on and you shouted, "dey fit! dey feel so good!" Your every obsessive compulsive issue with shoes left you. Nothing felt strange, you didn't need to try any others on. Your sweet little face didn't tick, your arms didn't stiffen, and you didn't start tightening your legs. You were relaxed and happy. You found a pair of shoes that you love and that didn't make you feel trapped for the very first time. That is why I want to say I'm sorry. I know you, and I know what causes you anxiety. They could have been horse shoes and I should have walked them straight to the register after seeing your response to them, but I didn't. I am so sorry.

Your dad and I looked at each other and its as though we could read each others mind. We knew the right thing to do was to immediately pay for the shoes, but we were scared and in that moment we failed you as your parents. We distracted you by pointing out the skeleton shoes, knowing your fixation on bones. We left the store with the skeleton shoes and you liked them, but you didn't love them. You walked funny in them. In that moment we put the concern of the people around us before our very own son. We are so sorry.

I was sleepless that night, knowing that I was not the mommy you needed me to be. I was the mommy I thought I was supposed to be by trying to fit into a mold, but like you teach me over and over, the best mold to fit into is your very own. Instead I set a poor example for you. I always tell you to be yourself, but I wasn't allowing you to be. We live in a city full of very similar molds. What if I bought you these girl shoes? You'd stand out immediately. When you walked into class Sunday morning, you would not fit the appropriate mold. When I dropped you off at class Wednesday night, you would not fit the mold. Name any place or time that you wore those shoes, you would not fit the mold that most people do. You would however, fit your own so beautifully. When you beg to wear a girls costume for Halloween, or you run right past the blue sunglasses and green truck hats, and run up to the bright pink costume jewelry and sparkly hair clips at the store, you are being yourself. You are comfortable and relaxed. You're happy, just like you were with these shoes. That is a part of you that I adore! The part that is so sure of what you like, without the concern of what society expects you to like. That is why I want to say I'm sorry.

I want to be very clear with you right now. When you picked out those girl shoes, I panicked. Not at the fact that you want them, but because I was afraid of other people not liking them. When your daddy was young, he pierced his ears and was greeted with horrific name calling when he got home because of it. When I painted your toe nails blue as a tiny toddler, a family member told me I was going to "screw you up." When you wore a pink unicorn costume on Halloween, a group of adults at a party mocked you, and tried to sneak pictures of you on their phone. When you stated that your favorite color was pink, your little friend corrected you saying that "pink is for girls." Knowing that every situation I just named was hateful and ignorant, I still panicked. Although I was in complete disagreement with each of those people and their comments, I panicked. All because I do not want my son to be hurt by anyone, especially for being himself.

When you were just a day old, you had to have blood work done every few hours due to a very mild issue during your birth. I watched as the nurse pricked the heels of your tiny newborn feet to get a blood sample, and your little body shook from screaming so hard. I held you close and kissed you while I gently rubbed over your sore little heels. I've watched those tiny wrinkled feet grow into walking feet, and running feet. They are jumping feet and skating feet. They look just like your daddy's. Whether those tiny feet grow into boy colored basketball shoes, or pink tennis shoes, they are your feet. They are the same feet I kissed when you were born, and the same feet that I will always stand right next to along every step of your incredible life. If someone hurts you, I will pick you up off your feet and hold you. I'll remind you that there is nothing more amazing than being yourself and I will hold you until you believe me.

The shoes that you picked out are so cheerful, colored in soft pinks, yellows and violets. The patterns on them are lyrics by the Beatles, "All you need is love." I'm sorry that when we were in the store and you put those shoes on, I did not stop what I was doing and just show you love. I thought I would be protecting you from getting hurt if I didn't buy them for you, but I realize that not standing beside you in your new shoes would be more hurtful than anything anyone else could ever say or do. All you need is love and that's all I ever want to give you.

I went back to the store this morning while you were in class and I bought you those shoes. I proudly told the girl ringing me up, "these are for my son." If anyone dislikes your shoes, or your costume, or your accessories, sweetie, remind yourself that all they need is love. Please know, that I will always love absolutely everything about you. I promise as your mom to do my best to never allow the opinions of other people to come between us again. Also, I'll be happy to use my own shoes to kick anyone that says anything unkind to you. Please forgive me for failing you last night at the store and for setting a poor example of what love is. Thank you for teaching me so much, for humbling me, and for loving me when I don't deserve it.

Always be yourself, buddy.
I love you.

Love,
Mama

The Longest Short Camping Trip

Its our first morning home since our little camping trip, and can I just say, I LOVE MY KEURIG! Best invention EVER! I'm a liiiiiiittle(understatement) sleepy today so that instant cup of caffeine is very appreciated and will most likely be followed up with another.  But, anyway! The trip. AMAZING! It really was. We just did a simple and short little trip of 2 nights not knowing if that would be too much, or just enough time for our 3.5 year old, our 1 year old and our 10 month puppy on their first ever camping trip. Turns out it was plenty of time(ahem). Two nights made for the longest short camping trip I've ever been on. It was also one of the best I've ever been on.

We enjoyed our stay at Stampede Reservoir and will definitely be going back. My sister in law and her family have camped there for the last 13 years and I can see why! Its beautiful. It feels like you're up in the woods but without the worry of a cute little family of black bears ransacking your stuff. It's also very dog friendly which was a plus. We obviously want to take Lola with us whenever we go, but finding a place that allows dogs in your campsite AND on a trail, in a picnic area, on a beach, or near water is pretty challenging. I mean, I totally can see why there are those rules (as the campers across from us at the water kept their pit off leash and allowed it to start fights with other dogs) but it still makes it a little tricky. So now we know (while we continue finding new places) that we can always just head to Truckee with the dog and not have to sweat it. Now as I type this I'm wondering how I went from never wanting a dog to only camping at places that allow our dog to camp with us. Then I blogged about it? Oh my. 

The drive was a breeze and we got there right after lunch so both boys had already eaten and Owen had slept in the car. I was afraid that setting everything up would be difficult with both boys getting in the way and needing/wanting our attention. HA. Thank you nature for babysitting our boys!

2 Minutes after getting out of the car:

"We're here! lets take a picture of how excited Owen is with all this dirt around.."

 

5 minutes after getting out of the car:

"wook, ma! I can jut pee on dis huge twee!"

Yay! It didn't take all afternoon for Daddy and Mommy to set up camp! And daddy didn't throw the tent up a tree, and mommy didn't say one bad word. SO FAR SO GOOD. 

Happy Campers!

30 minutes into our weekend:

"wook ma! I jut standing by my tent." So cute right? Especially our little garden that we brought with us? Our little garden that Owen ate for his afternoon snack. 

This is about the time that my inner mush unleashed and I felt like I'd explode. I mean look at this picture. My family. Camping, on vacation, just us. I was having flashbacks of dating Kyle when we talked about having a family together that we'd take camping some day. I have around 15 other pictures JUST LIKE THIS ONE because I went into mushy must. record. every. second. mode. But really, this was one of those moments that made me stop and really soak in the moment. We are overwhelmingly blessed.

So we survived our first day and it was really easy. The boys devoured their dinner, and Kyle got a fire going early so we could make s'mores and get the kids bathed (where there's a will, or should I say collapsible water jug and rubber made shoe box, there's a way.) before it got dark and they freaked out. 

Daddy read Peter Rabbit to the boys. So precious! Just melted my heart. For 30 seconds that is, until both boys turned in opposite directions and found something better to do. Does Myth Busters make a picture book? That might work better for next time..

One of my mom's favorite memories as a kid was having Jiffy popcorn while camping. She sent us off with some and Joey was BLOWN AWAY. He could not believe this little flat "tennis wacket thing" blew up and was filled with buttery popcorn. 

I, of course, was freaking out inside. "if a kernel gets stuck in his throat we are screwed. Why would you send popcorn with kids to the middle of nowhere. ITS A PERFECT CHOKING FOOD!" hahaha Thank you, Nonni! It was one of Joey's favorite parts of the trip. Like Nonni, like grandson.

Joey: "Hey dad, can we make s'mores now?"

Kyle: "s'more what?"

Joey: "ya killin' me smalls!!!"

That's my boy.

Both boys slept soundly all night. I know, I watched them. While I didn't sleep. Okay, I slept a little bit here and there in between visits from deer (one of THE coolest parts about Stampede R) and Lola's bathroom breaks. Then at 5:30am the awesome bird that lived in the tree above our tent started to chirp. It woke Owen up who then started to mimic the bird AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. Then he saw his daddy's head peeking out of the sleeping bags and started saying "daa daaaaa" AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. It was Sunday morning and the campsite was packed. Greeeaaat. My kids are going to wake everyone up at 5:30 and we will be hated! Oh but wait, Ya'll were up until 1am with your drinking shenanigans.. Sing away Owen!!! Not really. We did our best to keep the boys contained and quiet in the tent until 7am before letting them free, and they both did fantastic. Kyle and I took turns whining into our pillows about it but WE SURVIVED! 

ahh. Nothing like bacon for breakfast... 

The boys loved it!

..and Mommy still got to wash dishes. Just like at home. How special.

...there were even time outs, just like at home. How special.

 And then there were morning walks, cheesy kisses and obligatory morning photos...

We even let out our gangsta side and broke some rules. We didn't just take things out of the Tahoe National Forest, we painted them first, and THEN we brought them home. 

It warmed up quickly and we hiked down to the water.

Kyle: "see babe, you do have a daughter! She's just a little hairy." Sorry, my dog is not my child. But they don't call 'em mans best friend for no reason! I'll be honest, I LOVED swimming with Lola. What a blast...

So of course, here comes the other obligatory picture. The beach shot. 

me: Joey, put your arm around Owen and say "cheese" so mommy can take your picture!

1st try.

2nd try.

3rd times a charm?? Not quite. 

me: Ok, no happy beach picture. It's cool. Mommy is gonna take Owen back to camp for a nap.

He was asleep before we got off of the 10 minute trail back..

I. Did. Not. Mind.  

Kyle and I even managed to have some quiet time while the boys played together. We weren't expecting to use the comfy camping chairs we had packed. We planned on just starring at them while chasing the kids. What a pleasant surprise!

This is my hot husband.^^

This messy face led to one crazy, worn out fit that must have been contagious because Joey came down with the same thing. So we "bathed" them and tossed them into the tent with a beach ball (thanks Auntie Kerri) and zipped them up. They LOVED it! So did daddy as we got to spend even more time relaxing together.

We ended the day with s'mores again then went for a long walk before bed. They loved looking in bushes and under rocks with their flash lights

The boys literally fell asleep within minutes that night. Kyle and I enjoyed a long quiet camp fire together. Awesome little date.

His and Hers S'mores

The next morning we woke up to light rain on the tent and were aware that there was a storm quickly moving in so we packed up, enjoyed one last walk, then headed home. It was a fabulous trip! We are already planning our next camping adventure and it makes us so excited that the boys enjoyed it so much. They were very happy to be home though. Joey couldn't wait to play Skate3 on the PS3 and Owen pulled out just about every toy we own. Kyle even walked through the door with dinner and sunflowers. He thanked me for getting us there and making it a great trip. What a guy!! 

Now for that second cup of coffee....

In Between Facebook Posts

Someone said it again,

"Your kids make me want to have kids of my own."

Aw, how sweet. Thank you! I'm glad they have restored your faith in the idea of raising a family. Honestly, its a compliment and I appreciate it. Its a lot of work to have kids and I always feel a bit relieved when someone tells me they enjoy my boys. It feels better than if someone were to say they didn't like my boys.. right? duh. BUT. behind the appreciation of that compliment, I always wonder in the back of my mind if my boys make people want to have kids because they really think the idea of parenting is amazing? Or if its because they want a small human that speaks like Yoda, who is anti gluten, in love with the Foo Fighters, or roars and growls at you instead of simply answering with a "no." Most people know my children best through my Facebook account since I'm on there daily. Its almost completely become nothing more than quotes by and pictures of my cute boys. But that is where my concern comes from... or conviction I guess.

Watch out, things are about to get real up in hea!

Ok so facebook. Take it or leave it, everyone has opinions on it. I've chosen to keep it. I like being able to stay updated on my friends and family's lives. I have also been told by a number of people, including a dear friend who had passed away just days after telling me, "please keep posting the funny things Joey says. He just makes my day." No pressure or anything. I start to stress when he hasn't said a single funny thing in days. ha. But really, they light up my world and I can't help but share it with people. You know like the scene in Elf when Buddy runs into his dads office after an amazing first date shouting, "I'm in love, I'M IN LOVE and I DON'T care who knows it!!" Exactly, Buddy. I feel you on that one. Hence the endless amount of pictures of the same two kids. Over. and over.  The unfortunate part about facebook however, is that you have the ability to put whatever you'd like on it. You pick the picture of yourself that everyone sees, and you choose what to say in your status. What I mean is, its easy to not be 100% honest. So is that why people love my kids so much? Cause I'm hearing how great they are but I'm feeling desperate for a quiet day with out one single fit, tantrum or wasted half of sandwich. We are becoming a world where you know people best by what you see on their facebook page or instagram. We are becoming less social because of social media. Why get together over coffee to catch up when you can snoop through status comments, and tagged photos. Besides, whats to catch up on? I already know that you had mexican for dinner friday, went to the DMV Tuesday and are hating the weather. The same applies to MY facebook and my boys. I'm afraid of slipping into that world of facebook users that appear peachy and pleasant when in reality, their life is crashing around them.

Now don't get me wrong. I could see how this looks like I can't stand my kids. Or I can't stand my life. WRONG. That's not it whatsoever. My boys are MY LIFE. They are proof that God exists, that love is real, that you can be blessed when you least deserve it. There is a reason that my every facebook update, instagram picture and conversation outside of my phone apps revolve around my boys. I'm obsessed with them and couldn't be happier as their mamma. But I want to make sure I'm TRANSPARENT in how I live my life. No secrets, no fake anything. I do believe I have THE most amazing kids in the world, duh! but in between the hilarious things Joey says or adorable way Owen eats are the craziest fits in the world. Ok maybe not the world but by 7pm it feels that way. I sometimes dread telling Joey that its nap time because I don't want to hear the whining that immediately is forced when he hears the "na" in nap. Just the other day I was in tears bathing the boys. Sitting in a puddle that they had happily splashed onto the floor after I had just cleaned the bathroom. When Kyle asked why I was crying, I admitted that I wasn't sure if I was crying because they are growing up and I won't have another baby ever again, or if its because the two babies I already had were making me lose my mind. That is a real tension, just ask the closest mom to you. Now, after all that you might see a cute butt picture on Facebook of Owen toddling around post bath and tears. How cute and bubbly without the extra update on the previous 15 minutes. Or our adorable camping adventure in the backyard this last week. HELLO I seriously LOVED it! I'm still giddy over it and how cute and fun it was with our boys. But I never mentioned the fact that at 11:15pm, 4 hours and 15 minutes past their bedtime, I was unfolding and setting up a portable crib in a tiny tent in the dark trying to get Owen to stop climbing on Joey so they'd go to sleep. If I post a cute picture of me and Kyle together, chances are we didn't get into an argument that day. If I didn't post one, chances are we didn't get into an argument that day either, but how would you know? (marriage isn't easy? what?) The point is, there is A LOT of life being lived in between social media updates and I do NOT want to make anyone think our life is anything other than what it is: normal, crazy, awesome, hectic, hard, scary, frustrating, amazing, funny etc. I like to keep things real. My mother cringes at my honesty from time to time, and I am trying to learn how to be honest with grace but it doesn't come naturally to me. All the more reason why I want to be more careful with my online posts and apologize if I've ever made someone feel like I wasn't being honest especially if it comes down to a decision like having kids.
"but Kelly Wieder's kids just pose and smile in pictures and they do cute stuff like sleep with their thumb in their mouth.. why isn't my baby sleeping so well?" Uh, because ITS A HUMAN CHILD and THEY DON'T SLEEP WELL. Right? I hope this is making sense. Like I said earlier, my kids are THE coolest kids IN. THE. WORLD. (all my facebook friends know it. ha ha) and they make me happier than anything else.. but they are still very real, normal kids who poop and not always in a diaper or toilet. They puke on you, they scream and cry, they throw stuff and not just fits. They are the biggest challenge I've ever faced but they are the greatest joy I could ever imagine. I will do my best to make sure I'm working toward being transparent. I want to make sure people know that although the things Joey says, or the outrageously cute picture of Owen ALWAYS melts my heart, the before and after isn't always picture worthy.

If you're still thinking, "having kids would be off the hook" just know that you're right, it is. But you will find yourself eating apple sauce and fishy crackers for lunch one day while your son is screaming and crying because his older brother threw his toy out of frustration from not being able to unbutton his pants to pee.

Ciao!

Training Fido

I debated taking Lola, our dog, to her last obedience class as I was feeling very tired today. I knew that she'd pass her test, but that I wouldn't be signing her up for the next class, so why bother going? But the thought of Joey seeing his dog in a graduation cap was enough to make me put my laziness aside and make it happen. He would absolutely love it.

We walked into Petsmart and Joey walked right over to the classroom.

"I gonna open da doow fo you guys, k mom?"

"Ok bud.."

I followed behind with Lola and watched as he walked right through the door, his hands on his hips as if he owned the place.

"Hi, I Joey. My doggy is Wowa. She gonna take her test."

He walked over and climbed up onto a stool and sat down. He glanced over to see the other dog in class sitting with his owner.

"Oh! Dats a nice doggy. I weally wike him."

"Thank you, his name is (we'll say)Fido" said the woman.

Class started and Lola passed the first 3 parts within the first minutes of class. She was not trying to, just got lucky while anxiously waiting for me to give her a treat. The dog across from us was not having as easy of a time.

"DOWN FIDO!" the woman firmly said.

The dog did not move.

"FIDO, LAY DOWN!

Her voice was rising and she was instantly frustrated. The old boxer sat comfortably to one side, his eyes barely opened. He was not interested in being there this evening.

"FIDO!!! dang it, you love to lay down. JUST LAY DOWN! FIDO!!!!"

The woman began to shout and pull at the dogs legs in an attempt to get him to slide forward onto his belly. Her face turned bright red as she pulled with all her might. Still, old Fido did not budge.

Joey looked over to me and cocked his head to the side and gave me his disapproving face.

"Dat doggy jut being naughty. He jut not waying down."

"You're right about that. He is being very stubborn tonight," the woman told Joey. Now, she is very flustered, bright red and breaking a sweat. She stands up over the dog and begins to place all of her weight onto the dogs back.

"FIDO, YOU LAY DOWN RIGHT NOW!!!"

Joey sits straight up watching the argument between owner and dog take place and has had enough. He begins to interrupt at the sight of her pushing onto the dog.

"Wait! Dats not how you do it!! You jut say, DOWN and go wike dis wit you fingers(he gives the hand signal for 'lay down' in classic, robotic form) and den he ways down. Wike dis! (he gives the hand signal again) and tew him DOWN and den he wiw jut do it wike Wowa!"

The woman looks up at Joey, her mouth drops open. She seems unsure of what to say or do, but is quickly distracted again by Fido. I look over to see the instructor with the same look on her face. Her head tilted to the side, jaw opened and eyes as big as ever just starring at Joey.

Yes. That is my son. Yes, he just corrected an adult. I am so so sorry. Please forgive him! And also, IF YOU WOULD JUST GIVE THE HAND SIGNAL AND CALMLY TELL FIDO TO LAY DOWN HE WILL PROBABLY DO IT. Of course, I said none of this as my jaw was also dropped open and I was unsure of whether I should be proud or completely humiliated.

Joey was quite irritated at this point, and very clearly unhappy with Fido's behavior. He looked at me again, this time with a shrug of his shoulders and his little chubby hands lifted palm up into the air,

"I don'know ma. He jut not gonna wisten. He jut a naughty, naughty doggy."

The instructor choked on a laugh and asked us to begin the rest of our test, which thankfully had to take place throughout the store.

When we got back to the training room, the instructor congratulated us on helping Lola pass her test. Joey smiled very proudly and patted Lola on the head. He excitedly tried to help place the graduation cap on Lola's furry head and waved her certificate of completion all around. When the graduation cap would no longer stay on Lola, Joey decided he'd just hold her certificate over her head instead.

"You jut my good doggy, Wowa... Mom, I wike habbing a doggy named, Wowa."

And yes, Fido eventually laid down and passed his test also :)

Its Just Spilled Milk

"mom. hey moooom. mommy."

"hmm"

"mommy. It morning time. You hapt to wake up."

"mmmOkay bud. mmmhold on one sec."

"EW! Mom. You bweat is NASTY! You hapt to bwush you teeth so I don't smell it."

(Thinking to myself, little boy, have you checked your own breathe before whispering loudly into my face at 6:15 straight out of bed this morning?)
"I know it is. I'll brush them for you, don't worry. Now speak kindly please."

"I am peaking kind, but you bweat is nasty so I'm tewwing you to bwush you teeth."

"Joey, go potty and I'll get you your breakfast, ok?"

"but mooooommy!!! I don't wanna go potty!! (as he marches in place quickly)"

"You need to go. We always go when we first wake up. Please go potty and I'll meet you in the kitchen."

(Stomping away fussing loudly)
"I jut don't wanna go potty and you jut hapt to bwush you nasty teet!!"


Well good morning. Mommy's not on vacation anymore! I walk out to the front room where the dog is barking loudly with legs crossed in her kennel. This is what I get for not setting my alarm, I think to myself. Mornings go much more smoothly when I'm awake and ready for my small, dependant humans to start their day. When I decide to try and sleep in, or just put myself first in general, my kids suffer for it because I'm just focused on myself.  I get frustrated and impatient when met with early morning sleepiness when I myself am still asleep. One of these days I'll fully realize that being a stay at home mom is my job. When I hit snooze on the alarm and I'm late for work, its going to cause the day to get off to a rocky start. On this day, it definitely did.

I got Joey his breakfast and it was waiting at his place on the dining room table. The whining from the bedroom moments before had traveled down the hall and into the kitchen. It then traveled from the kitchen into the dining room where it spilled soggy Rice Crispies onto the chair and floor beneath it. After breakfast it skipped over to the front room and finally quieted down.

I grabbed my coffee and sat down on the couch next to my boy. He was watching his favorite tv show and looked up to see me next to him.

"hey mom? I jut wanna cuddle wit you."

I put my arm out and he wiggled himself under my arm and tightly into my side. He melted right in like he was part of me again. He reached his tiny little hand over to hold mine.

"you can jut hode my hand, okay?"

I sat and held him close, enjoying this very rare moment that we were sharing together.

Later that afternoon, I watched as footage of the horrific bombing at the Boston Marathon was shown repeatedly on the news. People's lives changed forever in a single moment. I kept hearing the numbers repeating, 3 dead, 140+ injured. It was later that I read the unbelievable news that one of the 3 people who lost their life was an 8 year old boy. His father had just completed the race, his mother suffered a brain injury and his younger sister lost her leg. My mind cannot begin to comprehend the chaos that  this one family has endured, let alone all of the people involved. Its horrific. Little Martin will never return home with his family, as well as the other 2 people who lost their lives.

As a parent, you can't help but watch these stories and think of your own children. My Joey. If I were to lose my boy today, what would our last moments together be? Would I be short with him and impatient? Frustrated over, literally, spilled milk? I know better, we all do. Life is short, its fragile. We all know this, but keeping that in mind at all times is a challenge to me. I get caught up in stinky breath, accidents, temper tantrums, and more. I get tired and want a break, I put myself first. I think, I want to sleep in, or take a long and quiet morning shower. But truthfully more than anything, I want my baby boys to know that Mommy loves them more than anything else in the world. I have to be better at showing that to each of them. Jumping out of bed and having a teeth brushing party, making clean up at breakfast a game, whatever it is. Each moment needs to be treated as if it were one of the very last that we'll share together.

                                                                 .        .       .

May God bring peace and comfort to the family of Martin Richard, and healing to his mother and sister. May He also bring peace and comfort to each and every person injured, and forever changed by Monday's events. I pray that I, we, will all learn, from watching so much heartache unfold in hundreds of lives at the Boston Marathon, to not take our loved ones for granted.

Da Supwise

Last Friday:

I left to go out of town to celebrate my moms birthday, leaving Kyle with the boys.
me: I'm gonna miss you guys!
Kyle: you'll have fun, and we're going to go birthday shopping for mom, right boys??

Saturday:

Kyle showed his mom the coffee maker that he bought me as a birthday surprise. Joey overheard them talking, and shouted from his bed,

Joey: you got mom a coffee makew??
Kyle: yes, but you can't tell her. Its a surprise for her birthday.
Joey: I gonna teww her.
Kyle: no, you're not. You have to keep it a secret until her birthday.
Joey: Nope! I gonna teww mom!!
Kyle: go to sleep.
Joey: I GONNA TEWW HER!!!

Between then and today, Kyle begged me not to ask Joey about my gift, hoping that he wouldn't bring it up himself and knowing that if I reminded him, he'd spill the beans.

I woke up this morning to the dog whining to go out. I stumbled out to the front room where it was dark and noticed a bright blue glow in the kitchen. My eyes were foggy and I couldn't see what it was. I let the dog out, flipped on the light and there it was!! MY KEURIG!! It had a bright red bow on it, and two cards sat in front of it reading, "mom" and "Kelly Anne." I ran back to the bedroom, jumped onto the bed, bounced over Joey who had climbed into my spot and landed on Kyle waking him up. I have been begging (truthfully, nagging) for a Keurig for months and months. I'm afraid this gift was more of a "get her to shut up" gift than anything, but I'll take it! Even my mom had plans of getting me one. (maybe I'll start nagging more? It seemed to work..)

I looked at Joey and asked,

Me: Joey! You got mommy a new coffee maker?!

He looked up from the iphone he was playing on, his little jaw dropped open, and stared at me with a panicked face.  Like, how could she know this? what do I say? uh.. uh..... He didn't miss a beat.

Joey: I can't teww you. Sowwy, it a supwise.
Me: no, its not anymore, daddy put my new coffee maker in the kitchen for me to find. I even saw the letter you wrote me yesterday!

He let out a very loud and relieved laugh, paired with a large smile from ear to ear.

Joey: Oh yes yes!! We went to da bet buy tore wit Auntie Kaywa and she wet me wook at da bideo games and daddy got you da coffee makew and he said, "no tewwing mommy" so I didn't teww you dats what you got! and now you can hab da coffee aw da times!

I am a bit nervous that our 3 year old is so good at keeping a secret. I have felt some relief over it since he's apologized all day for not telling me sooner. What a love he is. And my husband?? What a guy!!

Little Black Shirt

We walked hand in hand, laughing, flirting, and goofing off. We were very newly married and bursting with excitement for our future as husband and wife. Surrounded by bright red walls, we walked through each isle one at a time. Target has always been one of our favorite places to go on a date(clearly, we are the simple type). Kyle would find a random item on a shelf.. maybe a women's hat and throw it on, look at me with a smirk, and with a high pitched voice say, "seriously, like, omg. I seriously like, need this hat. omg my life isn't complete without it." I'd bust out laughing until I found something also. I'd ask Kyle, "babe, can we buy this? its perfect!! the most beautiful painting I've ever seen! we NEED it!" He'd look over to see me holding a wall mirror and smiling seductively into it.
 Believe it or not, we have always enjoyed these trips to target more than any fancy or pricey date we've ever been on. Mostly cause it doesn't matter where we are, the focus is each other. Not whats around us.. Unless of course, we are shopping at Target. haha On this particular trip, we were walking past the baby clothing department and there it was. It hung on a tiny, white hanger. A simple black t-shirt with guitar necks and microphones on it. My new husband was still in college, getting his Bachelors in Sound Engineering. He lived, ate, slept, breathed music. Everything we did related to a song or instrument. I grabbed the t-shirt and insisted that we buy it. He quickly gave me a panicked look, like he was thinking, please don't bring up kids, please don't bring up kids.. We may not have had any plans to start a family any time soon, but that didn't mean we couldn't grab this t shirt for the future. After all, it had actual microphones on it! our future baby would know how talented his or her daddy was at recording music. Kyle asked what we'll do with it if we have a girl? I explained that a little bit of pink ribbon and a button or two and it would be little girl friendly in a second. We bought the shirt, and I tucked it away in a drawer for a future child. 

Today I pulled the same shirt out of Owens drawer. I pulled it over his blonde curls and slipped his chubby arms through the sleeves. I carried him out to the front room where Kyle saw him, picked him up and recognized his tshirt. He kissed him and commented on how cute he looked multiple times. Joey asked to see brothers shirt and I explained that he had worn it when he was little too. He found that to be very special. (my mushiness is continuing down the family line! bwa ha ha)

Tomorrow is our 5th wedding anniversary. 5th! Amazing whats gone on in 5 years.. I remember our "plan" when we got married was to start trying to have a baby when we got to our 5th year of marriage. I would have never imagined already having our two boys by now but even more so, I can't imagine not having them. What a beautiful, not easy, but very beautiful life Kyle and I have been given. We still love target dates, baskin robbins dates, and bike ride dates. They are even better now when we can take our little boys with us. When I look at my youngest boy in that little black shirt, when I think of his older brother being little and wearing it also, when I look at my handsome husband who I love dearly, I can't help but feel so humbled and blessed. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I could have done to deserve such a family.  I am so very thankful to God for the life he's blessed me with as their wife and momma.