To my dear, sweet boy,
While I type this, your sweet little feet are most likely dangling from a chair in your Kindergarten class, as you are too short to reach the floor yet. You're wearing your new shoes that we bought you last night. They have skeleton bones on them and they glow in the dark. You love the skeletal system and have since you were about two and a half. They're cool shoes and you like them, but you don't love them. Mommy knows you don't love them and that is why I want to tell you I'm sorry.
You are the most beautiful little soul I've ever met. You do not fit a single mold other than your own and I've known this about you since you were very tiny. You think differently, respond differently and love differently than any other child your age. You are genuinely yourself. Its been a learning process for me as your mom, and I could not be more thankful! You constantly teach me to think outside the box and grow. Whether its how you play, learn, or think, its always in your very own, confident manner. You inspire me. This is why I want to say, I'm sorry.
A few months ago we went shoe shopping together. The store we usually shop at mixes the children's shoes together. There are super hero shoes, lavender kitten shoes, blue striped shoes, and pink sparkle shoes all intertwined. Your brother went straight for super hero shoes, begging to wear them. You found a pair that was different and you begged to buy them. They didn't come in your size and I felt relieved, because they were girl shoes. Mommy is so so sorry. We left with a nice pair that day and you liked them, but you didn't love them. I knew you didn't love them and that is why I'm telling you, I am sorry.
We went back to the same store last night and you needed a bigger size shoe. When you saw the same pair from last time in your size, you shrieked as you pulled them off the shelf. Your excitement overcame you and you began kicking off the pair of shoes you had on. Your face lit up as you tried the shoes on and you shouted, "dey fit! dey feel so good!" Your every obsessive compulsive issue with shoes left you. Nothing felt strange, you didn't need to try any others on. Your sweet little face didn't tick, your arms didn't stiffen, and you didn't start tightening your legs. You were relaxed and happy. You found a pair of shoes that you love and that didn't make you feel trapped for the very first time. That is why I want to say I'm sorry. I know you, and I know what causes you anxiety. They could have been horse shoes and I should have walked them straight to the register after seeing your response to them, but I didn't. I am so sorry.
Your dad and I looked at each other and its as though we could read each others mind. We knew the right thing to do was to immediately pay for the shoes, but we were scared and in that moment we failed you as your parents. We distracted you by pointing out the skeleton shoes, knowing your fixation on bones. We left the store with the skeleton shoes and you liked them, but you didn't love them. You walked funny in them. In that moment we put the concern of the people around us before our very own son. We are so sorry.
I was sleepless that night, knowing that I was not the mommy you needed me to be. I was the mommy I thought I was supposed to be by trying to fit into a mold, but like you teach me over and over, the best mold to fit into is your very own. Instead I set a poor example for you. I always tell you to be yourself, but I wasn't allowing you to be. We live in a city full of very similar molds. What if I bought you these girl shoes? You'd stand out immediately. When you walked into class Sunday morning, you would not fit the appropriate mold. When I dropped you off at class Wednesday night, you would not fit the mold. Name any place or time that you wore those shoes, you would not fit the mold that most people do. You would however, fit your own so beautifully. When you beg to wear a girls costume for Halloween, or you run right past the blue sunglasses and green truck hats, and run up to the bright pink costume jewelry and sparkly hair clips at the store, you are being yourself. You are comfortable and relaxed. You're happy, just like you were with these shoes. That is a part of you that I adore! The part that is so sure of what you like, without the concern of what society expects you to like. That is why I want to say I'm sorry.
I want to be very clear with you right now. When you picked out those girl shoes, I panicked. Not at the fact that you want them, but because I was afraid of other people not liking them. When your daddy was young, he pierced his ears and was greeted with horrific name calling when he got home because of it. When I painted your toe nails blue as a tiny toddler, a family member told me I was going to "screw you up." When you wore a pink unicorn costume on Halloween, a group of adults at a party mocked you, and tried to sneak pictures of you on their phone. When you stated that your favorite color was pink, your little friend corrected you saying that "pink is for girls." Knowing that every situation I just named was hateful and ignorant, I still panicked. Although I was in complete disagreement with each of those people and their comments, I panicked. All because I do not want my son to be hurt by anyone, especially for being himself.
When you were just a day old, you had to have blood work done every few hours due to a very mild issue during your birth. I watched as the nurse pricked the heels of your tiny newborn feet to get a blood sample, and your little body shook from screaming so hard. I held you close and kissed you while I gently rubbed over your sore little heels. I've watched those tiny wrinkled feet grow into walking feet, and running feet. They are jumping feet and skating feet. They look just like your daddy's. Whether those tiny feet grow into boy colored basketball shoes, or pink tennis shoes, they are your feet. They are the same feet I kissed when you were born, and the same feet that I will always stand right next to along every step of your incredible life. If someone hurts you, I will pick you up off your feet and hold you. I'll remind you that there is nothing more amazing than being yourself and I will hold you until you believe me.
The shoes that you picked out are so cheerful, colored in soft pinks, yellows and violets. The patterns on them are lyrics by the Beatles, "All you need is love." I'm sorry that when we were in the store and you put those shoes on, I did not stop what I was doing and just show you love. I thought I would be protecting you from getting hurt if I didn't buy them for you, but I realize that not standing beside you in your new shoes would be more hurtful than anything anyone else could ever say or do. All you need is love and that's all I ever want to give you.
I went back to the store this morning while you were in class and I bought you those shoes. I proudly told the girl ringing me up, "these are for my son." If anyone dislikes your shoes, or your costume, or your accessories, sweetie, remind yourself that all they need is love. Please know, that I will always love absolutely everything about you. I promise as your mom to do my best to never allow the opinions of other people to come between us again. Also, I'll be happy to use my own shoes to kick anyone that says anything unkind to you. Please forgive me for failing you last night at the store and for setting a poor example of what love is. Thank you for teaching me so much, for humbling me, and for loving me when I don't deserve it.
Always be yourself, buddy.
I love you.
Love,
Mama
